[ they're still connected, even when they're chasing rabbits, so raleigh knows that yancy feels his gut twist. he feels the horrible apprehension, the desire to keep this all from his brother because he doesn't want yancy to feel guilty over this. because raleigh dealt with it. it sucked, and in his worst moments he gets angry about having to deal with thinking his brother was dead for five years, but he was okay in the end. sort of.
but raleigh has never really been able to deny yancy anything, so he closes his eyes and lets the drift wash over him. it's like falling back into it and like running through rabbit holes at the same time--flashes of light and sound as raleigh's brain flashes through the five years without his brother. it's not detailed, but yancy doesn't need the detail to get the big picture.
it knows we're in here oh my god it knows we're in here -- fear that's his that's yancy's that theirs feeding back in on itself like a loop -- raleigh, listen to me -- the way yancy's body looked as it was torn out of the conn-pod the way it felt when his brother was forcibly ripped from his mind and suddenly gipsy's entire neural load was on him and he took over the right side fired the plasma canon limped to shore -- all he can say is yancy yancy yancy because yancy is gone and there is a hole where yancy should be -- waking up in the hospital a few days later and having to be sedated because he's ripping his stitches he's sobbing and thrashing so hard -- a talk with pentecost or pentecost talks at him and says disobeying orders it's better than a discharge for your mental state -- living in shit apartment after shit apartment and waking up screaming or shaking or crying or all three because he replays that night in his head over and over and over and he can't sleep normally anymore can't drink coffee tried sleeping pills once and they made him feel hungover -- he takes shifts on the top of the wall because it reminds him of gipsy and makes him feel like he could reach out and touch the ghost of his brother reach out and step into the ocean -- sometimes he thinks yancy is still in his head because he says things or does things and it's like his brother is speaking through his mouth and they say the drift changes you but he really wishes it didn't -- he doesn't laugh or smile as much anymore or at least not as loud or as large and wry sarcasm has a good appeal -- guilt guilt guilt how can he pilot gipsy without yancy this is wrong the drift was so strong with mako even when he flashed back and threw them out of alignment -- all i have to do is fall can't breathe not enough oxygen maybe i'll see him again if i don't make it to the pod in time that wouldn't be so bad
he's sorry. he's so damn sorry that yancy has to see this, that it still hurts so much like someone has ripped a hole in his chest. because the space in his head for yancy is filled now but there's a part of his heart that still feels a little misshapen and he doesn't know what to do with that. ]
[The weight of it nearly knocks Yancy out of the handshake entirely, nearly sets off the panic center of his brain because oh god he didn't think it was this bad, had no idea, was so selfish and a panic attack is a surefire way to break a neural connection.
In case you ever wanted to know.
Instead he holds Raleigh's hand tighter, because he's a Ranger for fuck's sake and he can handle this, he can do this. They were picked out of hundreds of people and they are the Becket brothers and wasn't everyone always saying he was a natural at Drifting? That seems like such a laugh now.
Yancy does stagger a little when it's over and he's silent for longer than it took Raleigh to show him everything but time doesn't make any sense in the neural space. There is no time, it's just them, it could have just been a couple of seconds on the outside.
And then he looks at Raleigh and tips his head slightly, i'll show you mine if you want]
[ he's glad that yancy has a good grip on his hand. it makes it easier to deal with everything. the pain, the guilt... yancy is, as ever, his anchor. the thing that keeps him steady. and it's reassuring that even though he's doing this thing he really doesn't want to, yance is still there with him.
for a brief second, he wonders what this must look like to loccent. they're obvious in sync but they're so far down the rabbit hole with no idea how time is passing. they're luck they're not actually in a jaeger for this.
in response to the silent question, raleigh gives yancy's hand a squeeze. only if you want to. but he's curious as to what could have kept his brother away for so long. ]
[No, he doesn't really want to show Raleigh it but he understands that he has to, if this is going to work, if they're ever going to make it back towards normal. It can't just be Yancy protecting his little brother from all the bad things in the world anymore, because newsflash: Raleigh's been through hell.
Yancy tightens his grip on Raleigh for a second, taking a breath and then plunging in--
how'd your date with alison go-- holy shit it's cold why it is so cold why am i wearing this fucking thing oh god i'm going to be sick--beep beep beep-- doctor i think we need you in here-- where are you from? what's your name? it's okay, you can talk to me i'm john smith and i'm a fisherman from fairbanks-- raleigh raleigh raleigh did you survive holy shit you did how did you get our girl back on your own-- you haven't been sleeping yeah so?-- can't go to raleigh, don't even know where to find him-- shit he's just like dad, no he's worse than dad because he promised he'd never leave but here he is turning the other way-- takes up fishing because he actually doesn't have a single clue of what else to do-- a televised kaiju attack has him holing up in the bathroom, his head between his knees and his hands over his ears-- don't you have any family john? or friends no i don't-- watching a jaeger fall on tv and he throws up his lunch and his dinner-- and another and another like dominoes and he breaks his tv one night to make it stop-- then pitfall, then watching from the air as raleigh and mako cling to each other-- what's changed now, he's not jealous, he's scared and ashamed but he's buying a ticket to Hong Kong anyway
They're just in the headspace but he's still gripping Raleigh's hand enough to bruise.]
[ looks like he was right. yancy did go through hell when he was away. in headspace, raleigh uses the grip on his hand to tug his brother into a tight hug. after chasing the rabbits from hell, they could both use one.
sorry that looked like it sucked but it's okay you don't have to worry about me or what i went through i'm okay now and there's no getting rid of me no matter what you think you did you're not like dad you came back that's what matters don't feel guilty
back in reality, raleigh opens his eyes and looks over at yancy. in the background, he can hear tendo and mako breathing a sigh of relief as he smiles over at yance and reaches out to hold on to his physical hand. ]
[Yancy only seems to remember that the LOCCENT is even there when they start to come out of the rabbit hole, and he wonders how long they were under or if the guys even noticed and they're just relieved because they didn't kill each other with this experiment or send one of them to the hospital with a seizure.
It's happened, from what he remembers from Kodiak.]
Your head's just as awful as ever, kid.
[He's joking, he's teasing Raleigh like they used to hey kid? don't get cocky? age before beauty, old man and he turns his hand to grasp Raleigh's back.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
GOD I KEEP TEXTWALLING AT YOU
but raleigh has never really been able to deny yancy anything, so he closes his eyes and lets the drift wash over him. it's like falling back into it and like running through rabbit holes at the same time--flashes of light and sound as raleigh's brain flashes through the five years without his brother. it's not detailed, but yancy doesn't need the detail to get the big picture.
it knows we're in here oh my god it knows we're in here -- fear that's his that's yancy's that theirs feeding back in on itself like a loop -- raleigh, listen to me -- the way yancy's body looked as it was torn out of the conn-pod the way it felt when his brother was forcibly ripped from his mind and suddenly gipsy's entire neural load was on him and he took over the right side fired the plasma canon limped to shore -- all he can say is yancy yancy yancy because yancy is gone and there is a hole where yancy should be -- waking up in the hospital a few days later and having to be sedated because he's ripping his stitches he's sobbing and thrashing so hard -- a talk with pentecost or pentecost talks at him and says disobeying orders it's better than a discharge for your mental state -- living in shit apartment after shit apartment and waking up screaming or shaking or crying or all three because he replays that night in his head over and over and over and he can't sleep normally anymore can't drink coffee tried sleeping pills once and they made him feel hungover -- he takes shifts on the top of the wall because it reminds him of gipsy and makes him feel like he could reach out and touch the ghost of his brother reach out and step into the ocean -- sometimes he thinks yancy is still in his head because he says things or does things and it's like his brother is speaking through his mouth and they say the drift changes you but he really wishes it didn't -- he doesn't laugh or smile as much anymore or at least not as loud or as large and wry sarcasm has a good appeal -- guilt guilt guilt how can he pilot gipsy without yancy this is wrong the drift was so strong with mako even when he flashed back and threw them out of alignment -- all i have to do is fall can't breathe not enough oxygen maybe i'll see him again if i don't make it to the pod in time that wouldn't be so bad
he's sorry. he's so damn sorry that yancy has to see this, that it still hurts so much like someone has ripped a hole in his chest. because the space in his head for yancy is filled now but there's a part of his heart that still feels a little misshapen and he doesn't know what to do with that. ]
but i love it :c
In case you ever wanted to know.
Instead he holds Raleigh's hand tighter, because he's a Ranger for fuck's sake and he can handle this, he can do this. They were picked out of hundreds of people and they are the Becket brothers and wasn't everyone always saying he was a natural at Drifting? That seems like such a laugh now.
Yancy does stagger a little when it's over and he's silent for longer than it took Raleigh to show him everything but time doesn't make any sense in the neural space. There is no time, it's just them, it could have just been a couple of seconds on the outside.
And then he looks at Raleigh and tips his head slightly, i'll show you mine if you want]
well i'm glad you do
for a brief second, he wonders what this must look like to loccent. they're obvious in sync but they're so far down the rabbit hole with no idea how time is passing. they're luck they're not actually in a jaeger for this.
in response to the silent question, raleigh gives yancy's hand a squeeze. only if you want to. but he's curious as to what could have kept his brother away for so long. ]
no subject
Yancy tightens his grip on Raleigh for a second, taking a breath and then plunging in--
how'd your date with alison go-- holy shit it's cold why it is so cold why am i wearing this fucking thing oh god i'm going to be sick--beep beep beep-- doctor i think we need you in here-- where are you from? what's your name? it's okay, you can talk to me i'm john smith and i'm a fisherman from fairbanks-- raleigh raleigh raleigh did you survive holy shit you did how did you get our girl back on your own-- you haven't been sleeping yeah so?-- can't go to raleigh, don't even know where to find him-- shit he's just like dad, no he's worse than dad because he promised he'd never leave but here he is turning the other way-- takes up fishing because he actually doesn't have a single clue of what else to do-- a televised kaiju attack has him holing up in the bathroom, his head between his knees and his hands over his ears-- don't you have any family john? or friends no i don't-- watching a jaeger fall on tv and he throws up his lunch and his dinner-- and another and another like dominoes and he breaks his tv one night to make it stop-- then pitfall, then watching from the air as raleigh and mako cling to each other-- what's changed now, he's not jealous, he's scared and ashamed but he's buying a ticket to Hong Kong anyway
They're just in the headspace but he's still gripping Raleigh's hand enough to bruise.]
no subject
sorry that looked like it sucked but it's okay you don't have to worry about me or what i went through i'm okay now and there's no getting rid of me no matter what you think you did you're not like dad you came back that's what matters don't feel guilty
back in reality, raleigh opens his eyes and looks over at yancy. in the background, he can hear tendo and mako breathing a sigh of relief as he smiles over at yance and reaches out to hold on to his physical hand. ]
no subject
It's happened, from what he remembers from Kodiak.]
Your head's just as awful as ever, kid.
[He's joking, he's teasing Raleigh like they used to hey kid? don't get cocky? age before beauty, old man and he turns his hand to grasp Raleigh's back.]