[ it's been a roller coaster ride of a few months. yancy's still dealing with the aftermath of knifehead in a lot of ways, and his being around opened up old wounds that raleigh had thought long healed over. there's been a lot of tears, a little anger, and a lot of awkwardness. they're like a well-worn jigsaw puzzle--put together and taken apart so many times that their edges don't mesh together quite right at first. he never thought he would have to relearn his brother, but he does.
mako and tendo, bless their hearts, are there for the becket boys through all their fumbling. raleigh knows that tendo's been dragging yancy home for family dinners, sometimes without raleigh. mako's been getting to know his brother ( her brother too now, in all the ways that really matter ) and she's there for him when he needs to get away from it all. there have been a few times he's slunk into her room and laid down on her bed, head pillowed on her stomach and let her run her fingers through his hair as he tries to figure out how to readjust to life with yancy in it.
they could've done this earlier. but when it was brought up, raleigh shut it down right quick. the drift created an instant and intimate connection. while he'd had that with yancy before, he wanted to make sure it was still something they had without lacing their brains together before they drifted again. plus, he wasn't sure either of them were emotionally stable enough for it when the opportunity first came a-knocking.
but now they're here, sitting outside a jaeger in a testing facility, pons strapped to their heads and listening to the countdown. raleigh smiles and turns his head to look at yancy. ]
Ready to step into my head, old man?
[ it's a familiar line, but also different. this time will be different, but god is it good to know he can drift with his brother again. ]
[If Raleigh hadn't shut down the idea at first, Yancy would have for sure. He's still not entirely certain about this, if it'll work or if it's even a good idea to open themselves up to the connection again. Because things come out in the Drift, they learned that the hard way when they were still doing simulations.
Thank God for Tendo Choi and Mako Mori, though Yancy will admit that he relies more on Tendo than he probably ever will on Mako. Because Tendo is the time before Knifehead and he's got nothing against Mako, really. Thinks that she's a great, talented girl and he can only be thankful to her for keeping his brother alive but she doesn't mean the same thing to him as she does to Raleigh.
And that's okay. He's pretty sure it's okay.
Yancy rolls his eyes at that line, is both not impressed and thankful to Raleigh for even saying it.]
I'd say beauty before age, kid but you haven't gotten any prettier.
[ he laughs, and the last of the tension bleeds out of him. they're going to be okay. they're the becket brothers, they've got this motherfu--
he falls into the drift.
d'onofrio scaring the shit out of him before he tells raleigh he's impressed by him and yance -- shut the hell up, raleigh -- fists driving into jazmine's asshole of a seventh grade boyfriend no i don't care that we're bigger kids he fucked with our sister -- raleigh, listen to me -- where would you rather die, here or in a jaeger? -- don't go dad don't go -- sensei, aishitemasu, there are tears rolling down his face those are mako's tears and his tears and striker is detonating god how did it come to this -- onibaba is outside the alley it's going to get her it's going to eat her destroy her the way it destroyed tokyo -- he's taking another shift at the top of the wall the height reminds him of gipsy -- i love you, yance. you know that right? -- raleigh, listen to me -- mako, i feel like i don't know him anymore i hate it i love him but i don't know what to do -- doing every possible workout he can think of because this is going on day three without a wink of sleep and he is so exhausted but every time he closes his eyes -- all i have to do is fall, anyone can fall -- yancy, yancy, where's yancy, yancy where are you don't leave me it hurts yancy yancy -- he holds on to his brother tight because he knows that he needs to protect yancy the way yancy always protected him and he'll do anything for yancy he's his brother he's not heavy --
raleigh sucks in a deep and noisy breath from between clenched teeth. it's been a while since he's done this with either of his co-pilots. it's hard not to chase rabbits, to see just what yancy's been up to and to try and avoid showing his brother what happened to him. he doesn't want yancy to see the crushing depression, the monotonous life, the hours upon hours upon hours of pushing himself into exhaustion only to wake up after a precious little time sweating and panting and shaking if it was an especially bad night.
but there are no secrets in the drift. there's no way to avoid that completely. so raleigh contents himself with knowing that the love you so glad you're back i've missed this missed you i'm worried about you i'm happy you're back so happy love you bro is also there beneath it all. ]
[It's hard for Yancy not to do it either, to chase Raleigh's rabbits and then lead him back to his own. It's been even longer since he was in the Drift, Raleigh at least has some recent experience with it where Yancy is grasping at memories and instructions that are almost a decade old.
Don't chase the rabbits. Listen to the silence. Focus. Be the silence. Don't chase don't chase don't chase.
he's five and waiting in the hallway with raleigh for their baby sister to be born-- beep beep beep wait doctor! he's flat lining-- raleigh i'm sorry-- don't put your thumb in your fist, kid that's a sure way to break it when you punch something, hold it like this-- what's your name son? john smith-- we did it kid, we fucking did it, first one for the record books-- raleigh listen to me--
And then it's quiet. Yancy opens his eyes and he doesn't see what he expected, he sees ash falling on an abandoned street, there's a muted siren going off somewhere and he's fairly certain he's never seen this city before. Never been on the ground level of a kaiju attack before. Only ever seen them on TV or been in the Jaeger.]
Rals? [He knows Raleigh is there, can feel him in and pushing against his mind.] Where the hell are we?
[ the sirens are what tips him off to where they are, even before he feels the ash on his face and opens his eyes to see the ruined city. then he does and he thinks fuck. this is probably why drifting with more than one person at different times is a bad idea. because this isn't either of their memories and somehow they've ended up chasing it down the rabbit hole.
raleigh turns as he answers yancy, looking around for--there it is. that's the alleyway. ]
We're in Tokyo. May 15, 2016--the day Onibaba destroyed it. This is Mako's memory.
[ and if you tilt your head and squint, he supposes it could be his memory too. he remembers being in it, watching mako flash back to it even as he tried to talk her down. ]
It's going to come this way in a second. We need to get out of here.
[ he knows how to get out of chasing a rabbit if its his own memory. he's done it before. but this--this isn't anything they trained him for. getting out of this is something he's unsure of. he figures they can probably shift from this to another RABIT, one that's familiar to either one or both of them and head back to the surface that way, but that might be a little... difficult.
especially since he can hear mako crying behind him as fighter jets swoop over them and head toward the smoke covered shadow. and a second later, he hears onibaba roar. shit. ]
What the hell are they supposed to do now? He's never even heard of something like this happening, but then pilots don't often switch partners, they either stay together or go down fighting, so the three of them are an anomaly.
Ynacy flinches when Onibaba roars, it sounds like Knifehead almost-- but not enough to drag him back to that nigh. Or maybe he just refuses to go there, like he'd rather stay here in someone else's memories than go down that rabbit hole.]
[ little mako runs past them and raleigh starts running with her. ] This way! [ and even though she's just an echo, not the real thing, he can't resist reaching down and scooping her up into his arms as he runs.
he knows exactly where to go to get away from onibaba. that alleyway with the trashcans that mako had hid in before. he hightails it for that one spot, unconsciously shushing mako as he sprints, trusting that yancy's right behind him. hoping that yancy's right behind him.
they say that if you die in a dream, you die in reality. what happens if you die in memory? it seems absurd that it could happen, but the idea of getting lost in someone else's memory is equally absurd. as raleigh puts mako down behind the trashcan and lets her hunker down like he remembers, little whimpers spilling out of her mouth, he thinks this was a terrible idea. but even as he thinks that, he gets an even more terrible idea in his head and reaches out for yancy with an open hand. ]
I think I can get us out of this. You with me?
[ will you let me protect you this time? will you let me take the lead, even though it's always been the opposite? will you be there to pull me back when i'm done? ]
[Yancy's with him the whole time, trusts Raleigh to lead them to somewhere safe, especially since they've got an echo of Mako with them and if keeping his brother safe isn't enough motivation for Raleigh, keeping her safe is.
And fuck if his heart isn't breaking listening to her cry. He's so distracted by it, caught up in the desire to help her, protect her that he almost tunes Raleigh out completely.]
[ raleigh doesn't answer him. instead he grabs on to yancy's arms, closes his eyes and thinks as hard as he possibly can. the image is clear in his mind and if he can just shut out mako's cries and onibaba's thundering footsteps--
the familiar sound of welding and sparks flying are all around him when he opens his eyes. this is his rabbit and even as he's aware of the fact that he's in a flashback, he finds it hard to pull out of the memory and into headspace. because there's gipsy right in front of him, her left chest plate slowly being lifted as he and mako sit and watch her maintenance. ]
I'm sorry. I should've warned you. First Drifts are rough, and you weren't just tapping into my memories, you were tapping into my brother's too. [ he can't look away from the small, sympathetic from on mako's face until he pauses, looks at the ground for just one moment like he did when this actually happened. and then his gaze is back on her. ]
When Yancy was taken, we were still connected. [ yancy, yancy, yancy his mind is reaching out for his brother as he tries to remember his training. tries to remember how to snap out of a flashback but it's hard. because this is everything he didn't want yancy to see ( the pain on his face, the lowness of his voice, the way he's still not over it five years later ) but it was the easiest thing to latch onto. ] I felt his fear, his pain, his helplessness. And then... he was gone.
[ mako, still with that frown on her face says, i felt it. i know. and like that, raleigh's mind settles. he deviates from script, and looks behind him, looks for yancy. i'm sorry, it was the only thing i could think of. ]
[The look that Yancy is giving him is equal parts proud for pulling them through that and what the hell are you talking about and oh my God Raleigh how did you even survive that. He's lucky now, he realizes in the sense that a lot of his memories from that night are messed up. He can remember before Knifehead and after Knifehead, when they were joking with Tendo about his date and then when he was throwing up salt water on a beach.
He can't help it, the urge to protect Raleigh is one that he's never going to really let go of but he's learning to let Raleigh be his equal and save him too. Yancy reaches for his hand and holds on tight.
This is going to fucking suck but maybe he needs to see it to really understand how much Raleigh is hurting and then he'll show Raleigh what he's been doing for the last five years.]
[ they're still connected, even when they're chasing rabbits, so raleigh knows that yancy feels his gut twist. he feels the horrible apprehension, the desire to keep this all from his brother because he doesn't want yancy to feel guilty over this. because raleigh dealt with it. it sucked, and in his worst moments he gets angry about having to deal with thinking his brother was dead for five years, but he was okay in the end. sort of.
but raleigh has never really been able to deny yancy anything, so he closes his eyes and lets the drift wash over him. it's like falling back into it and like running through rabbit holes at the same time--flashes of light and sound as raleigh's brain flashes through the five years without his brother. it's not detailed, but yancy doesn't need the detail to get the big picture.
it knows we're in here oh my god it knows we're in here -- fear that's his that's yancy's that theirs feeding back in on itself like a loop -- raleigh, listen to me -- the way yancy's body looked as it was torn out of the conn-pod the way it felt when his brother was forcibly ripped from his mind and suddenly gipsy's entire neural load was on him and he took over the right side fired the plasma canon limped to shore -- all he can say is yancy yancy yancy because yancy is gone and there is a hole where yancy should be -- waking up in the hospital a few days later and having to be sedated because he's ripping his stitches he's sobbing and thrashing so hard -- a talk with pentecost or pentecost talks at him and says disobeying orders it's better than a discharge for your mental state -- living in shit apartment after shit apartment and waking up screaming or shaking or crying or all three because he replays that night in his head over and over and over and he can't sleep normally anymore can't drink coffee tried sleeping pills once and they made him feel hungover -- he takes shifts on the top of the wall because it reminds him of gipsy and makes him feel like he could reach out and touch the ghost of his brother reach out and step into the ocean -- sometimes he thinks yancy is still in his head because he says things or does things and it's like his brother is speaking through his mouth and they say the drift changes you but he really wishes it didn't -- he doesn't laugh or smile as much anymore or at least not as loud or as large and wry sarcasm has a good appeal -- guilt guilt guilt how can he pilot gipsy without yancy this is wrong the drift was so strong with mako even when he flashed back and threw them out of alignment -- all i have to do is fall can't breathe not enough oxygen maybe i'll see him again if i don't make it to the pod in time that wouldn't be so bad
he's sorry. he's so damn sorry that yancy has to see this, that it still hurts so much like someone has ripped a hole in his chest. because the space in his head for yancy is filled now but there's a part of his heart that still feels a little misshapen and he doesn't know what to do with that. ]
[The weight of it nearly knocks Yancy out of the handshake entirely, nearly sets off the panic center of his brain because oh god he didn't think it was this bad, had no idea, was so selfish and a panic attack is a surefire way to break a neural connection.
In case you ever wanted to know.
Instead he holds Raleigh's hand tighter, because he's a Ranger for fuck's sake and he can handle this, he can do this. They were picked out of hundreds of people and they are the Becket brothers and wasn't everyone always saying he was a natural at Drifting? That seems like such a laugh now.
Yancy does stagger a little when it's over and he's silent for longer than it took Raleigh to show him everything but time doesn't make any sense in the neural space. There is no time, it's just them, it could have just been a couple of seconds on the outside.
And then he looks at Raleigh and tips his head slightly, i'll show you mine if you want]
[ he's glad that yancy has a good grip on his hand. it makes it easier to deal with everything. the pain, the guilt... yancy is, as ever, his anchor. the thing that keeps him steady. and it's reassuring that even though he's doing this thing he really doesn't want to, yance is still there with him.
for a brief second, he wonders what this must look like to loccent. they're obvious in sync but they're so far down the rabbit hole with no idea how time is passing. they're luck they're not actually in a jaeger for this.
in response to the silent question, raleigh gives yancy's hand a squeeze. only if you want to. but he's curious as to what could have kept his brother away for so long. ]
[No, he doesn't really want to show Raleigh it but he understands that he has to, if this is going to work, if they're ever going to make it back towards normal. It can't just be Yancy protecting his little brother from all the bad things in the world anymore, because newsflash: Raleigh's been through hell.
Yancy tightens his grip on Raleigh for a second, taking a breath and then plunging in--
how'd your date with alison go-- holy shit it's cold why it is so cold why am i wearing this fucking thing oh god i'm going to be sick--beep beep beep-- doctor i think we need you in here-- where are you from? what's your name? it's okay, you can talk to me i'm john smith and i'm a fisherman from fairbanks-- raleigh raleigh raleigh did you survive holy shit you did how did you get our girl back on your own-- you haven't been sleeping yeah so?-- can't go to raleigh, don't even know where to find him-- shit he's just like dad, no he's worse than dad because he promised he'd never leave but here he is turning the other way-- takes up fishing because he actually doesn't have a single clue of what else to do-- a televised kaiju attack has him holing up in the bathroom, his head between his knees and his hands over his ears-- don't you have any family john? or friends no i don't-- watching a jaeger fall on tv and he throws up his lunch and his dinner-- and another and another like dominoes and he breaks his tv one night to make it stop-- then pitfall, then watching from the air as raleigh and mako cling to each other-- what's changed now, he's not jealous, he's scared and ashamed but he's buying a ticket to Hong Kong anyway
They're just in the headspace but he's still gripping Raleigh's hand enough to bruise.]
[ looks like he was right. yancy did go through hell when he was away. in headspace, raleigh uses the grip on his hand to tug his brother into a tight hug. after chasing the rabbits from hell, they could both use one.
sorry that looked like it sucked but it's okay you don't have to worry about me or what i went through i'm okay now and there's no getting rid of me no matter what you think you did you're not like dad you came back that's what matters don't feel guilty
back in reality, raleigh opens his eyes and looks over at yancy. in the background, he can hear tendo and mako breathing a sigh of relief as he smiles over at yance and reaches out to hold on to his physical hand. ]
[Yancy only seems to remember that the LOCCENT is even there when they start to come out of the rabbit hole, and he wonders how long they were under or if the guys even noticed and they're just relieved because they didn't kill each other with this experiment or send one of them to the hospital with a seizure.
It's happened, from what he remembers from Kodiak.]
Your head's just as awful as ever, kid.
[He's joking, he's teasing Raleigh like they used to hey kid? don't get cocky? age before beauty, old man and he turns his hand to grasp Raleigh's back.]
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no subject
mako and tendo, bless their hearts, are there for the becket boys through all their fumbling. raleigh knows that tendo's been dragging yancy home for family dinners, sometimes without raleigh. mako's been getting to know his brother ( her brother too now, in all the ways that really matter ) and she's there for him when he needs to get away from it all. there have been a few times he's slunk into her room and laid down on her bed, head pillowed on her stomach and let her run her fingers through his hair as he tries to figure out how to readjust to life with yancy in it.
they could've done this earlier. but when it was brought up, raleigh shut it down right quick. the drift created an instant and intimate connection. while he'd had that with yancy before, he wanted to make sure it was still something they had without lacing their brains together before they drifted again. plus, he wasn't sure either of them were emotionally stable enough for it when the opportunity first came a-knocking.
but now they're here, sitting outside a jaeger in a testing facility, pons strapped to their heads and listening to the countdown. raleigh smiles and turns his head to look at yancy. ]
Ready to step into my head, old man?
[ it's a familiar line, but also different. this time will be different, but god is it good to know he can drift with his brother again. ]
no subject
Thank God for Tendo Choi and Mako Mori, though Yancy will admit that he relies more on Tendo than he probably ever will on Mako. Because Tendo is the time before Knifehead and he's got nothing against Mako, really. Thinks that she's a great, talented girl and he can only be thankful to her for keeping his brother alive but she doesn't mean the same thing to him as she does to Raleigh.
And that's okay. He's pretty sure it's okay.
Yancy rolls his eyes at that line, is both not impressed and thankful to Raleigh for even saying it.]
I'd say beauty before age, kid but you haven't gotten any prettier.
[Three... two... one...]
no subject
he falls into the drift.
d'onofrio scaring the shit out of him before he tells raleigh he's impressed by him and yance -- shut the hell up, raleigh -- fists driving into jazmine's asshole of a seventh grade boyfriend no i don't care that we're bigger kids he fucked with our sister -- raleigh, listen to me -- where would you rather die, here or in a jaeger? -- don't go dad don't go -- sensei, aishitemasu, there are tears rolling down his face those are mako's tears and his tears and striker is detonating god how did it come to this -- onibaba is outside the alley it's going to get her it's going to eat her destroy her the way it destroyed tokyo -- he's taking another shift at the top of the wall the height reminds him of gipsy -- i love you, yance. you know that right? -- raleigh, listen to me -- mako, i feel like i don't know him anymore i hate it i love him but i don't know what to do -- doing every possible workout he can think of because this is going on day three without a wink of sleep and he is so exhausted but every time he closes his eyes -- all i have to do is fall, anyone can fall -- yancy, yancy, where's yancy, yancy where are you don't leave me it hurts yancy yancy -- he holds on to his brother tight because he knows that he needs to protect yancy the way yancy always protected him and he'll do anything for yancy he's his brother he's not heavy --
raleigh sucks in a deep and noisy breath from between clenched teeth. it's been a while since he's done this with either of his co-pilots. it's hard not to chase rabbits, to see just what yancy's been up to and to try and avoid showing his brother what happened to him. he doesn't want yancy to see the crushing depression, the monotonous life, the hours upon hours upon hours of pushing himself into exhaustion only to wake up after a precious little time sweating and panting and shaking if it was an especially bad night.
but there are no secrets in the drift. there's no way to avoid that completely. so raleigh contents himself with knowing that the love you so glad you're back i've missed this missed you i'm worried about you i'm happy you're back so happy love you bro is also there beneath it all. ]
no subject
Don't chase the rabbits. Listen to the silence. Focus. Be the silence. Don't chase don't chase don't chase.
he's five and waiting in the hallway with raleigh for their baby sister to be born-- beep beep beep wait doctor! he's flat lining-- raleigh i'm sorry-- don't put your thumb in your fist, kid that's a sure way to break it when you punch something, hold it like this-- what's your name son? john smith-- we did it kid, we fucking did it, first one for the record books-- raleigh listen to me--
And then it's quiet. Yancy opens his eyes and he doesn't see what he expected, he sees ash falling on an abandoned street, there's a muted siren going off somewhere and he's fairly certain he's never seen this city before. Never been on the ground level of a kaiju attack before. Only ever seen them on TV or been in the Jaeger.]
Rals? [He knows Raleigh is there, can feel him in and pushing against his mind.] Where the hell are we?
no subject
raleigh turns as he answers yancy, looking around for--there it is. that's the alleyway. ]
We're in Tokyo. May 15, 2016--the day Onibaba destroyed it. This is Mako's memory.
[ and if you tilt your head and squint, he supposes it could be his memory too. he remembers being in it, watching mako flash back to it even as he tried to talk her down. ]
It's going to come this way in a second. We need to get out of here.
[ he knows how to get out of chasing a rabbit if its his own memory. he's done it before. but this--this isn't anything they trained him for. getting out of this is something he's unsure of. he figures they can probably shift from this to another RABIT, one that's familiar to either one or both of them and head back to the surface that way, but that might be a little... difficult.
especially since he can hear mako crying behind him as fighter jets swoop over them and head toward the smoke covered shadow. and a second later, he hears onibaba roar. shit. ]
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What the hell are they supposed to do now? He's never even heard of something like this happening, but then pilots don't often switch partners, they either stay together or go down fighting, so the three of them are an anomaly.
Ynacy flinches when Onibaba roars, it sounds like Knifehead almost-- but not enough to drag him back to that nigh. Or maybe he just refuses to go there, like he'd rather stay here in someone else's memories than go down that rabbit hole.]
We have to hide.
no subject
he knows exactly where to go to get away from onibaba. that alleyway with the trashcans that mako had hid in before. he hightails it for that one spot, unconsciously shushing mako as he sprints, trusting that yancy's right behind him. hoping that yancy's right behind him.
they say that if you die in a dream, you die in reality. what happens if you die in memory? it seems absurd that it could happen, but the idea of getting lost in someone else's memory is equally absurd. as raleigh puts mako down behind the trashcan and lets her hunker down like he remembers, little whimpers spilling out of her mouth, he thinks this was a terrible idea. but even as he thinks that, he gets an even more terrible idea in his head and reaches out for yancy with an open hand. ]
I think I can get us out of this. You with me?
[ will you let me protect you this time? will you let me take the lead, even though it's always been the opposite? will you be there to pull me back when i'm done? ]
no subject
And fuck if his heart isn't breaking listening to her cry. He's so distracted by it, caught up in the desire to help her, protect her that he almost tunes Raleigh out completely.]
With you with what, kid?
[That's a yes, by the way.]
AND THEN THIS WAS A REALLY LONG TAG WHOOPS
the familiar sound of welding and sparks flying are all around him when he opens his eyes. this is his rabbit and even as he's aware of the fact that he's in a flashback, he finds it hard to pull out of the memory and into headspace. because there's gipsy right in front of him, her left chest plate slowly being lifted as he and mako sit and watch her maintenance. ]
I'm sorry. I should've warned you. First Drifts are rough, and you weren't just tapping into my memories, you were tapping into my brother's too. [ he can't look away from the small, sympathetic from on mako's face until he pauses, looks at the ground for just one moment like he did when this actually happened. and then his gaze is back on her. ]
When Yancy was taken, we were still connected. [ yancy, yancy, yancy his mind is reaching out for his brother as he tries to remember his training. tries to remember how to snap out of a flashback but it's hard. because this is everything he didn't want yancy to see ( the pain on his face, the lowness of his voice, the way he's still not over it five years later ) but it was the easiest thing to latch onto. ] I felt his fear, his pain, his helplessness. And then... he was gone.
[ mako, still with that frown on her face says, i felt it. i know. and like that, raleigh's mind settles. he deviates from script, and looks behind him, looks for yancy. i'm sorry, it was the only thing i could think of. ]
aksjda
He can't help it, the urge to protect Raleigh is one that he's never going to really let go of but he's learning to let Raleigh be his equal and save him too. Yancy reaches for his hand and holds on tight.
This is going to fucking suck but maybe he needs to see it to really understand how much Raleigh is hurting and then he'll show Raleigh what he's been doing for the last five years.]
Show me.
GOD I KEEP TEXTWALLING AT YOU
but raleigh has never really been able to deny yancy anything, so he closes his eyes and lets the drift wash over him. it's like falling back into it and like running through rabbit holes at the same time--flashes of light and sound as raleigh's brain flashes through the five years without his brother. it's not detailed, but yancy doesn't need the detail to get the big picture.
it knows we're in here oh my god it knows we're in here -- fear that's his that's yancy's that theirs feeding back in on itself like a loop -- raleigh, listen to me -- the way yancy's body looked as it was torn out of the conn-pod the way it felt when his brother was forcibly ripped from his mind and suddenly gipsy's entire neural load was on him and he took over the right side fired the plasma canon limped to shore -- all he can say is yancy yancy yancy because yancy is gone and there is a hole where yancy should be -- waking up in the hospital a few days later and having to be sedated because he's ripping his stitches he's sobbing and thrashing so hard -- a talk with pentecost or pentecost talks at him and says disobeying orders it's better than a discharge for your mental state -- living in shit apartment after shit apartment and waking up screaming or shaking or crying or all three because he replays that night in his head over and over and over and he can't sleep normally anymore can't drink coffee tried sleeping pills once and they made him feel hungover -- he takes shifts on the top of the wall because it reminds him of gipsy and makes him feel like he could reach out and touch the ghost of his brother reach out and step into the ocean -- sometimes he thinks yancy is still in his head because he says things or does things and it's like his brother is speaking through his mouth and they say the drift changes you but he really wishes it didn't -- he doesn't laugh or smile as much anymore or at least not as loud or as large and wry sarcasm has a good appeal -- guilt guilt guilt how can he pilot gipsy without yancy this is wrong the drift was so strong with mako even when he flashed back and threw them out of alignment -- all i have to do is fall can't breathe not enough oxygen maybe i'll see him again if i don't make it to the pod in time that wouldn't be so bad
he's sorry. he's so damn sorry that yancy has to see this, that it still hurts so much like someone has ripped a hole in his chest. because the space in his head for yancy is filled now but there's a part of his heart that still feels a little misshapen and he doesn't know what to do with that. ]
but i love it :c
In case you ever wanted to know.
Instead he holds Raleigh's hand tighter, because he's a Ranger for fuck's sake and he can handle this, he can do this. They were picked out of hundreds of people and they are the Becket brothers and wasn't everyone always saying he was a natural at Drifting? That seems like such a laugh now.
Yancy does stagger a little when it's over and he's silent for longer than it took Raleigh to show him everything but time doesn't make any sense in the neural space. There is no time, it's just them, it could have just been a couple of seconds on the outside.
And then he looks at Raleigh and tips his head slightly, i'll show you mine if you want]
well i'm glad you do
for a brief second, he wonders what this must look like to loccent. they're obvious in sync but they're so far down the rabbit hole with no idea how time is passing. they're luck they're not actually in a jaeger for this.
in response to the silent question, raleigh gives yancy's hand a squeeze. only if you want to. but he's curious as to what could have kept his brother away for so long. ]
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Yancy tightens his grip on Raleigh for a second, taking a breath and then plunging in--
how'd your date with alison go-- holy shit it's cold why it is so cold why am i wearing this fucking thing oh god i'm going to be sick--beep beep beep-- doctor i think we need you in here-- where are you from? what's your name? it's okay, you can talk to me i'm john smith and i'm a fisherman from fairbanks-- raleigh raleigh raleigh did you survive holy shit you did how did you get our girl back on your own-- you haven't been sleeping yeah so?-- can't go to raleigh, don't even know where to find him-- shit he's just like dad, no he's worse than dad because he promised he'd never leave but here he is turning the other way-- takes up fishing because he actually doesn't have a single clue of what else to do-- a televised kaiju attack has him holing up in the bathroom, his head between his knees and his hands over his ears-- don't you have any family john? or friends no i don't-- watching a jaeger fall on tv and he throws up his lunch and his dinner-- and another and another like dominoes and he breaks his tv one night to make it stop-- then pitfall, then watching from the air as raleigh and mako cling to each other-- what's changed now, he's not jealous, he's scared and ashamed but he's buying a ticket to Hong Kong anyway
They're just in the headspace but he's still gripping Raleigh's hand enough to bruise.]
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sorry that looked like it sucked but it's okay you don't have to worry about me or what i went through i'm okay now and there's no getting rid of me no matter what you think you did you're not like dad you came back that's what matters don't feel guilty
back in reality, raleigh opens his eyes and looks over at yancy. in the background, he can hear tendo and mako breathing a sigh of relief as he smiles over at yance and reaches out to hold on to his physical hand. ]
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It's happened, from what he remembers from Kodiak.]
Your head's just as awful as ever, kid.
[He's joking, he's teasing Raleigh like they used to hey kid? don't get cocky? age before beauty, old man and he turns his hand to grasp Raleigh's back.]