[ raleigh leans into yancy a little without really realizing it, drawing comfort from his older brother's presence. as he thinks back on his childhood, all he can think of is the absence. dad was never around when raleigh really wanted or needed him. and he's not sure if that's really what it was like, or if it's his current experiences clouding old memories. ]
Yeah... Yeah, I know. [ and he does, sort of. in his head, he can rationalize it, explain it, and it makes sense. of course it has nothing to do with him.
[ raleigh just gives yancy a flat look in return. 'cause, really. would yancy be able to convince himself of the truth that easily if he were in raleigh's place? ]
[What's that supposed to mean, kid, you weren't the only one that Dad walked out on that day? Yancy's got about three more years of rolling his eyes at their dad than Raleigh does, that's about it.]
[ it means that yancy seems to have it all together and raleigh... doesn't. which is sort of a theme between the two of them, but never to extremes like this. ]
I don't know. Nothing? But-- [ it doesn't feel like that and he can't rationalize away the little voice in his head that says maybe it was me. ]
[Yancy doesn't sigh but he kind of wants to. Doesn't like seeing Raleigh beat himself up for something that was just not his fault, and he kind of wishes that he hadn't let Dad walk away, had socked him for putting them all through this but it's kind of late now.]
Dad left because he's a self absorbed asshole. And nothing you did or didn't do had anything to do with that.
[Yancy knows it's true, there's a difference. Because if they need to point fingers, it's Mom's fault because she got sick and Dad didn't want to deal but he's not pointing that finger at their mother, not because she had cancer and also because that's a pretty shitty thing to do.]
Dad's a self-absorbed asshole and him leaving isn't my fault.
[ he even tries to make it sound like he believes it. and he will, eventually. but he can't just flip a switch and make all his dad-shaped issues go away.
[The effort's enough. Yancy reaches out and puts his arm around his brother's shoulders, pulling him in close. He wishes he could make this totally better for Raleigh, like he could just reach inside the kid's head and take those issues out and put them on his own shoulders.]
I love you, kiddo. And you're going to say that to me every day until there's some feeling behind it.
[ the hug is exactly what raleigh needs. the tension slowly seeps out of him as he leans in to yancy and sighs quietly. after a moment he says, a little quietly, ] Is it weird if I say you did a much better job than he did?
[Great at getting into trouble. Great at starting fights. Great at leaping to people's defense. Great at learning languages in whatever country they were in. Great at building things.]
Great at being a pain in the ass. [And because he doesn't want Raleigh to grab a hold of the teasing and turn it into something else, he adds:]
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Yeah... Yeah, I know. [ and he does, sort of. in his head, he can rationalize it, explain it, and it makes sense. of course it has nothing to do with him.
but that doesn't mean it's easy to believe. ]
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I'm serious, kiddo.
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What did you do then?
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I don't know. Nothing? But-- [ it doesn't feel like that and he can't rationalize away the little voice in his head that says maybe it was me. ]
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[Yancy doesn't sigh but he kind of wants to. Doesn't like seeing Raleigh beat himself up for something that was just not his fault, and he kind of wishes that he hadn't let Dad walk away, had socked him for putting them all through this but it's kind of late now.]
Dad left because he's a self absorbed asshole. And nothing you did or didn't do had anything to do with that.
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Okay.
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Say it back to me.
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[ he even tries to make it sound like he believes it. and he will, eventually. but he can't just flip a switch and make all his dad-shaped issues go away.
unfortunately. ]
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I love you, kiddo. And you're going to say that to me every day until there's some feeling behind it.
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No. You didn't make it easy though, you brat.
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[ for certain, skewed definitions of the word "great." ]
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Great at being a pain in the ass. [And because he doesn't want Raleigh to grab a hold of the teasing and turn it into something else, he adds:]
You turned out pretty good though.