[So. Dad's alive. That's... nice to know... he guesses.
If he ever hero worshiped their father, that died before he can even remember it. Maybe it was because he was the oldest and so he realized it before his siblings but Dad was never really that great. Attentive and loving and fun when it suited him, and not necessarily neglectful but he'd forget that Raleigh and Jazmine couldn't cook dinner for themselves, or he'd have no idea that Raleigh failed another math test, not because he wasn't smart but because he didn't apply himself. It fell to Yancy to cook dinner or nag Raleigh about his homework, and when Dad finally did them all a favor and skipped out, it wasn't anything to him to step up and fill that role.
He'd been doing it for years by then and yeah, whatever, fuck Dad anyway. If he couldn't handle his wife's illness or being a dad anymore or whatever his fucking problem was, then fine, goodbye.
It still hurts when their dad looks at them and then looks the other way. Though Yancy's got lots of practice in shoving aside his feelings to take care of Raleigh and his because his kid brother matters more. He watches Raleigh with the photos, doesn't try to stop him, just puts his bag down on his bunk and approaches him.]
You know, you set the Shatterdome on fire and the Marshal will kill us.
[ in fact, once the pictures are sufficiently burned, raleigh turns on the water to douse the fire. and then he slumps against the counter and stares at the charred remains. there's one question that's been turning over and over in raleigh's head since he saw their dad last night. but he's a little scared to ask it. ]
Was he always that much of a dick? [ did he ever care about us, really? why does it even matter? i don't need him, i never have. i have you and i had mom, i don't need him. so why the fuck does it hurt that he doesn't want me? ]L
[Yancy doesn't need the Drift to see those thoughts cross Raleigh's face, but it sure doesn't hurt because he can practically hear them in his own head. He leans against the sink next to him, his hips bumping against Raleigh's and his shoulder brushing his as he crosses his arms across his chest.]
I don't know, kid. [He can't remember anything like today happening when they were kids but there was a lot of in a minute and i'm busy right now, maybe later.]
You know it doesn't have anything to do with you, right?
[Dad leaving, Dad being a dick, none of it is Raleigh's fault and anyone who tries to say otherwise, even Raleigh himself might get punched.]
[ raleigh leans into yancy a little without really realizing it, drawing comfort from his older brother's presence. as he thinks back on his childhood, all he can think of is the absence. dad was never around when raleigh really wanted or needed him. and he's not sure if that's really what it was like, or if it's his current experiences clouding old memories. ]
Yeah... Yeah, I know. [ and he does, sort of. in his head, he can rationalize it, explain it, and it makes sense. of course it has nothing to do with him.
[ raleigh just gives yancy a flat look in return. 'cause, really. would yancy be able to convince himself of the truth that easily if he were in raleigh's place? ]
[What's that supposed to mean, kid, you weren't the only one that Dad walked out on that day? Yancy's got about three more years of rolling his eyes at their dad than Raleigh does, that's about it.]
[ it means that yancy seems to have it all together and raleigh... doesn't. which is sort of a theme between the two of them, but never to extremes like this. ]
I don't know. Nothing? But-- [ it doesn't feel like that and he can't rationalize away the little voice in his head that says maybe it was me. ]
[Yancy doesn't sigh but he kind of wants to. Doesn't like seeing Raleigh beat himself up for something that was just not his fault, and he kind of wishes that he hadn't let Dad walk away, had socked him for putting them all through this but it's kind of late now.]
Dad left because he's a self absorbed asshole. And nothing you did or didn't do had anything to do with that.
[Yancy knows it's true, there's a difference. Because if they need to point fingers, it's Mom's fault because she got sick and Dad didn't want to deal but he's not pointing that finger at their mother, not because she had cancer and also because that's a pretty shitty thing to do.]
Dad's a self-absorbed asshole and him leaving isn't my fault.
[ he even tries to make it sound like he believes it. and he will, eventually. but he can't just flip a switch and make all his dad-shaped issues go away.
[The effort's enough. Yancy reaches out and puts his arm around his brother's shoulders, pulling him in close. He wishes he could make this totally better for Raleigh, like he could just reach inside the kid's head and take those issues out and put them on his own shoulders.]
I love you, kiddo. And you're going to say that to me every day until there's some feeling behind it.
[ the hug is exactly what raleigh needs. the tension slowly seeps out of him as he leans in to yancy and sighs quietly. after a moment he says, a little quietly, ] Is it weird if I say you did a much better job than he did?
[Great at getting into trouble. Great at starting fights. Great at leaping to people's defense. Great at learning languages in whatever country they were in. Great at building things.]
Great at being a pain in the ass. [And because he doesn't want Raleigh to grab a hold of the teasing and turn it into something else, he adds:]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
still screaming
If he ever hero worshiped their father, that died before he can even remember it. Maybe it was because he was the oldest and so he realized it before his siblings but Dad was never really that great. Attentive and loving and fun when it suited him, and not necessarily neglectful but he'd forget that Raleigh and Jazmine couldn't cook dinner for themselves, or he'd have no idea that Raleigh failed another math test, not because he wasn't smart but because he didn't apply himself. It fell to Yancy to cook dinner or nag Raleigh about his homework, and when Dad finally did them all a favor and skipped out, it wasn't anything to him to step up and fill that role.
He'd been doing it for years by then and yeah, whatever, fuck Dad anyway. If he couldn't handle his wife's illness or being a dad anymore or whatever his fucking problem was, then fine, goodbye.
It still hurts when their dad looks at them and then looks the other way. Though Yancy's got lots of practice in shoving aside his feelings to take care of Raleigh and his because his kid brother matters more. He watches Raleigh with the photos, doesn't try to stop him, just puts his bag down on his bunk and approaches him.]
You know, you set the Shatterdome on fire and the Marshal will kill us.
C:
[ in fact, once the pictures are sufficiently burned, raleigh turns on the water to douse the fire. and then he slumps against the counter and stares at the charred remains. there's one question that's been turning over and over in raleigh's head since he saw their dad last night. but he's a little scared to ask it. ]
Was he always that much of a dick? [ did he ever care about us, really? why does it even matter? i don't need him, i never have. i have you and i had mom, i don't need him. so why the fuck does it hurt that he doesn't want me? ]L
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I don't know, kid. [He can't remember anything like today happening when they were kids but there was a lot of in a minute and i'm busy right now, maybe later.]
You know it doesn't have anything to do with you, right?
[Dad leaving, Dad being a dick, none of it is Raleigh's fault and anyone who tries to say otherwise, even Raleigh himself might get punched.]
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Yeah... Yeah, I know. [ and he does, sort of. in his head, he can rationalize it, explain it, and it makes sense. of course it has nothing to do with him.
but that doesn't mean it's easy to believe. ]
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I'm serious, kiddo.
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What did you do then?
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I don't know. Nothing? But-- [ it doesn't feel like that and he can't rationalize away the little voice in his head that says maybe it was me. ]
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[Yancy doesn't sigh but he kind of wants to. Doesn't like seeing Raleigh beat himself up for something that was just not his fault, and he kind of wishes that he hadn't let Dad walk away, had socked him for putting them all through this but it's kind of late now.]
Dad left because he's a self absorbed asshole. And nothing you did or didn't do had anything to do with that.
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Okay.
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Say it back to me.
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[ he even tries to make it sound like he believes it. and he will, eventually. but he can't just flip a switch and make all his dad-shaped issues go away.
unfortunately. ]
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I love you, kiddo. And you're going to say that to me every day until there's some feeling behind it.
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No. You didn't make it easy though, you brat.
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[ for certain, skewed definitions of the word "great." ]
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Great at being a pain in the ass. [And because he doesn't want Raleigh to grab a hold of the teasing and turn it into something else, he adds:]
You turned out pretty good though.