[ She's been sleep-walking. As far as she knows neither Raleigh nor Yancy have noticed ( yet ). Some nights, she comes to her senses in the kitchen, the fridge pulled open and her staring at the bottle of orange juice that the always keep stocked for Rals. Sometimes, she finds herself outside, in the yard, hands stinging and nails ruined from digging up a hole.
Tonight, she bolts back in the house because she'd woken up in the middle of the street in nothing but one of Raleigh's sweaters, and as a panic attack claws it's way up from deep inside her chest, she all but tears the her bag from where she's hung it on a hook on the wall and pulls out a pack of clove cigarettes that she's taken to keeping for moments like this.
( Naomi hasn't smoked since she got pregnant with Yancy. Gave the habit up cold turkey because she could, because it wasn't something she'd needed, just something she'd liked. She's been smoking a steady two packs a week since she started sleep-walking, since the panic attacks started to be a regular thing. She makes it a point never to smoke in the house, washes her hands thoroughly after every stick, makes sure she showers the smell out of her hair and dumps her clothes in the wash. )
She can't breathe, though. Needs that nicotine hit to bring her head back to her shoulders as she cries at the bottom of the steps, no sound escaping her but that of ragged breathing. ]
[ raleigh's still an insomniac after all these years, so he knows from the first night it happens that naomi's been sleepwalking. he follows her some nights. stays out of sight and slinks back to bed when she comes to and realizes she's not where she's supposed to be. he never mentions it, the same way naomi doesn't really mention it when sometimes, every once in a while, he zones out completely in the middle of a sentence, only to come back a few moments later and realize her hand is in his.
yeah, she should probably talk to someone about this. there's things doctors and counselors could do to help her. but if she can't even admit to him that she's having problems, he's not sure he'll be able to convince her it's a good idea. which isn't to say he's not worried about her. he is, a lot. especially because he knows she's been smoking too.
his mom had been a smoker. when she was diagnosed with lung cancer, there had been a period where they all tried to get her to quit. she never did, but she'd pretended for a while. raleigh and yance got pretty good at spotting the signs of when she'd try to cover up the fact that she would be smoking. even if he didn't have that knowledge, there have been a few times he's kissed her and still been able to taste the remnants of smoke and ash on her tongue. frankly, that terrifies him.
almost as much as the fact that she'd walked out into the street terrifies him. they live in a fairly quiet neighborhood, so the odds of her getting run over were slim. but panic still gripped his heart when he saw that. he takes sometime to calm himself and let naomi get over the worst beginnings of her panic attack before he sits next to her on the stairs. she's a mess. tear tracks drying in sticky lines on her face, an almost completely smoked cigarette between her fingers, and shivering in the cold with nothing but his sweater to keep the night air out.
raleigh sighs and carefully reaches over to pluck the cigarette from her fingertips and stub it out on the stairs. then he carefully wraps naomi up in a hug. he holds her tightly to his chest and kisses the crown of her head. ]
It's okay, I've got you. Just put your hand on my chest and try to breathe with me, okay? In... out. In... out. [ he breathes in slowly and deeply, holding it for a few seconds in between each inhale and exhale. sometimes the training the ppdc gave him for how to keep his head comes in handy in the most unexpected ways. ]
[ it's easy to fall into his embrace, to lean in and let him hold her in a way that she feels safe. when he tells her it's okay, i've got you she turns her face into his chest, feels a tremor go through her as her eyes well up again.
she inhales deep, her breaths ragged even as she follows his prompting ( in... out. in... out ) and her hands slip around his middle, fingers curling against the small of his back.
she can't remember what went on when the cult had taken her and yancy, and that's what kills her the most. there are blanks that she can't fill, whole hours unaccounted for, empty stretches of memory that even now, two months after, haunt her like restless ghosts. ] I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
[ he'd mentioned once, how he'd lost his mother to cancer. how she'd kept on smoking to the bitter end. it's why she hadn't wanted him to see her like this, to catch her with a cigarette in her hand. it was a habit she once broke easily, but nothing is easy of late and the nicotine hit helps in a way that leaves her not knowing how to part with it. ]
[ he rocks her carefully, kissing the top of her head as she starts to breathe a little easier. this is a new thing for him, this comforting someone on the end of a panic attack. but he's got memories of yancy quieting him after a nightmare when they were kids. and there was that time just before the wall that the owner of the cafe he'd be washing dishes for helped him breathe when he started to panic when a patron mentioned knifehead. apparently that's enough experience that this comes almost naturally to him. ]
You've got nothing to be sorry for. [ not her capture, not the sleepwalking, and definitely not the smoking.
yeah, he's going to start bothering her about quitting at some point. he doesn't like the fact that she's smoking, and it makes him terrified that she'll go the same way his mother did. but she doesn't have to apologize for the fact that her way to cope maybe isn't the best one. it could be worse. raleigh fucked off to one of the most dangerous jobs out there and refused to get back in contact with the remnants of his family when things went south for him. so she's got a one-up on him there. ]
[ she shivers and presses closer, turning her face into his neck, his pulse a faint thing beneath her lips. ] I'll quit. I promise. [ her arms tighten around him, as if to emphasize her point. because she will. she just doesn't know when.
she pulls back a little, just far enough so that she's sitting up and has enough room to breathe. she shuts her eyes for a while, just concentrates on breathing, a hiccup now and then before she opens her eyes to look at him. ] You knew?
[ there's relief there. she'd thought about telling him, she just hadn't known how. ]
We can find you different ways to cope with the panic attacks. [ when she's ready, that is. and maybe when raleigh thinks she's going to be ready to hear his suggestions about seeing a psychologist. possibly one from the ppdc since he trusts them more than anyone else, even if he isn't as involved in the organization anymore.
raleigh smiles a little wryly and tucks a bit of naomi's hair behind her ear. ] It wasn't hard to recognize the signs. Mom did the same thing, back when she said she was going to quit.
[ he pauses, the smile turning into a small frown as he recognizes the relief. he's not quite sure what's going through her head, but the fact that she's relieved he knew, but was trying to hide it... it doesn't spell anything good, in his head. ] You don't have to hide anything from me, you know that, right?
[ she wishes that were the truth and her body language says so, head bowed and eyes averted. she feels so powerless with the blanks in her head because she wonders what went on, how bad it was, why didn't the doctors find anything, was it just really drugs.
but she couldn't bring herself to talk about sleepwalking, to go to him and admit just how scared she is because sometimes she feels like she's losing her mind ( she'd gone off to buy groceries when someone's car backfired and she'd swerved onto the sidewalk she's kind of lucky no one got hurt. she's told herself it was a normal reaction, but she'd spent the next hour crying against her steering wheel that a meter cop had come over to check up on whether she was okay. ) ] I know.
[ she doesn't sound sure and that kills her a little. because she should be. she knows, logically, that raleigh is safety. ]
Naomi... [ he doesn't know what to say to make this okay for her. telling her that he's hurt that she feels like she can't tell him things is too much like a guilt trip. just saying it again feels like pushing. but he needs her to trust him like he needs air to breathe.
the universal truth of jaeger pilots is this: everything rises and falls on trust. you can't drift unless you trust each other. you can't fight, you can't win unless you trust your co-pilot. and your marshal. and the people in loccent and the jumphawks who are acting as your eyes and ears in the way your jaeger can't. you cannot afford to have secrets and apprehensions if you want to survive. as such, trust is paramount. there is nothing more important than it.
trust is also a two-way street. ]
After Yancy died... [ he swallows hard and hopes to high heaven telling her this isn't a mistake. ] When he died, if fucked me up. By the time I made it back to shore, my head was so screwed that apparently I couldn't say anything other than his name. I had flashbacks for a while. When I could get some sleep, I'd wake up screaming and wondering where my brother way.
[ raleigh swallows hard and holds on to naomi a little tighter. ] I know it's hard to talk about. That whatever happened messed you up and it probably feels wrong. Maybe even a little shameful. But that's okay, Naomi, that's normal. And I want to hear about everything that's going on in that pretty head of yours, even if it's ugly. [ he kisses her softly and rests his temple against hers. ] I'm gonna stick around through all of it, no matter how shitty it is. I promise.
[ she starts crying again when he gets to the part about him getting what she's going through, even if it's in a different way, about him wanting to hear about whatever is going on in her head - and how he's never going to leave. ever.
naomi turns her face into his neck and holds on for a good long while, because there's relief and there's terror but she at least has this. she has raleigh, and he is the rock she can hold on to.
when she pulls back, she wipes furiously at her cheeks. ] I can't remember a thing about those three weeks. [ she exhales, hoping that the waterworks have finally stopped, but her eyes well up and it starts all over again. ] And I know something is wrong, even if the doctors said that I was okay. [ she looks to him then, because he'd been there, hadn't left her alone, had actually skirted the promise she'd asked of him in the ambulance and made sure that the doctors checked yancy at the same time as they checked her. ]
But I don't remember anything, Rals. And now I'm sleep-walking and waking up places I shouldn't be and it scares the shit out of me.
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[ She's been sleep-walking. As far as she knows neither Raleigh nor Yancy have noticed ( yet ). Some nights, she comes to her senses in the kitchen, the fridge pulled open and her staring at the bottle of orange juice that the always keep stocked for Rals. Sometimes, she finds herself outside, in the yard, hands stinging and nails ruined from digging up a hole.
Tonight, she bolts back in the house because she'd woken up in the middle of the street in nothing but one of Raleigh's sweaters, and as a panic attack claws it's way up from deep inside her chest, she all but tears the her bag from where she's hung it on a hook on the wall and pulls out a pack of clove cigarettes that she's taken to keeping for moments like this.
( Naomi hasn't smoked since she got pregnant with Yancy. Gave the habit up cold turkey because she could, because it wasn't something she'd needed, just something she'd liked. She's been smoking a steady two packs a week since she started sleep-walking, since the panic attacks started to be a regular thing. She makes it a point never to smoke in the house, washes her hands thoroughly after every stick, makes sure she showers the smell out of her hair and dumps her clothes in the wash. )
She can't breathe, though. Needs that nicotine hit to bring her head back to her shoulders as she cries at the bottom of the steps, no sound escaping her but that of ragged breathing. ]
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yeah, she should probably talk to someone about this. there's things doctors and counselors could do to help her. but if she can't even admit to him that she's having problems, he's not sure he'll be able to convince her it's a good idea. which isn't to say he's not worried about her. he is, a lot. especially because he knows she's been smoking too.
his mom had been a smoker. when she was diagnosed with lung cancer, there had been a period where they all tried to get her to quit. she never did, but she'd pretended for a while. raleigh and yance got pretty good at spotting the signs of when she'd try to cover up the fact that she would be smoking. even if he didn't have that knowledge, there have been a few times he's kissed her and still been able to taste the remnants of smoke and ash on her tongue. frankly, that terrifies him.
almost as much as the fact that she'd walked out into the street terrifies him. they live in a fairly quiet neighborhood, so the odds of her getting run over were slim. but panic still gripped his heart when he saw that. he takes sometime to calm himself and let naomi get over the worst beginnings of her panic attack before he sits next to her on the stairs. she's a mess. tear tracks drying in sticky lines on her face, an almost completely smoked cigarette between her fingers, and shivering in the cold with nothing but his sweater to keep the night air out.
raleigh sighs and carefully reaches over to pluck the cigarette from her fingertips and stub it out on the stairs. then he carefully wraps naomi up in a hug. he holds her tightly to his chest and kisses the crown of her head. ]
It's okay, I've got you. Just put your hand on my chest and try to breathe with me, okay? In... out. In... out. [ he breathes in slowly and deeply, holding it for a few seconds in between each inhale and exhale. sometimes the training the ppdc gave him for how to keep his head comes in handy in the most unexpected ways. ]
no subject
she inhales deep, her breaths ragged even as she follows his prompting ( in... out. in... out ) and her hands slip around his middle, fingers curling against the small of his back.
she can't remember what went on when the cult had taken her and yancy, and that's what kills her the most. there are blanks that she can't fill, whole hours unaccounted for, empty stretches of memory that even now, two months after, haunt her like restless ghosts. ] I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
[ he'd mentioned once, how he'd lost his mother to cancer. how she'd kept on smoking to the bitter end. it's why she hadn't wanted him to see her like this, to catch her with a cigarette in her hand. it was a habit she once broke easily, but nothing is easy of late and the nicotine hit helps in a way that leaves her not knowing how to part with it. ]
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You've got nothing to be sorry for. [ not her capture, not the sleepwalking, and definitely not the smoking.
yeah, he's going to start bothering her about quitting at some point. he doesn't like the fact that she's smoking, and it makes him terrified that she'll go the same way his mother did. but she doesn't have to apologize for the fact that her way to cope maybe isn't the best one. it could be worse. raleigh fucked off to one of the most dangerous jobs out there and refused to get back in contact with the remnants of his family when things went south for him. so she's got a one-up on him there. ]
no subject
she pulls back a little, just far enough so that she's sitting up and has enough room to breathe. she shuts her eyes for a while, just concentrates on breathing, a hiccup now and then before she opens her eyes to look at him. ] You knew?
[ there's relief there. she'd thought about telling him, she just hadn't known how. ]
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raleigh smiles a little wryly and tucks a bit of naomi's hair behind her ear. ] It wasn't hard to recognize the signs. Mom did the same thing, back when she said she was going to quit.
[ he pauses, the smile turning into a small frown as he recognizes the relief. he's not quite sure what's going through her head, but the fact that she's relieved he knew, but was trying to hide it... it doesn't spell anything good, in his head. ] You don't have to hide anything from me, you know that, right?
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but she couldn't bring herself to talk about sleepwalking, to go to him and admit just how scared she is because sometimes she feels like she's losing her mind ( she'd gone off to buy groceries when someone's car backfired and she'd swerved onto the sidewalk she's kind of lucky no one got hurt. she's told herself it was a normal reaction, but she'd spent the next hour crying against her steering wheel that a meter cop had come over to check up on whether she was okay. ) ] I know.
[ she doesn't sound sure and that kills her a little. because she should be. she knows, logically, that raleigh is safety. ]
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the universal truth of jaeger pilots is this: everything rises and falls on trust. you can't drift unless you trust each other. you can't fight, you can't win unless you trust your co-pilot. and your marshal. and the people in loccent and the jumphawks who are acting as your eyes and ears in the way your jaeger can't. you cannot afford to have secrets and apprehensions if you want to survive. as such, trust is paramount. there is nothing more important than it.
trust is also a two-way street. ]
After Yancy died... [ he swallows hard and hopes to high heaven telling her this isn't a mistake. ] When he died, if fucked me up. By the time I made it back to shore, my head was so screwed that apparently I couldn't say anything other than his name. I had flashbacks for a while. When I could get some sleep, I'd wake up screaming and wondering where my brother way.
[ raleigh swallows hard and holds on to naomi a little tighter. ] I know it's hard to talk about. That whatever happened messed you up and it probably feels wrong. Maybe even a little shameful. But that's okay, Naomi, that's normal. And I want to hear about everything that's going on in that pretty head of yours, even if it's ugly. [ he kisses her softly and rests his temple against hers. ] I'm gonna stick around through all of it, no matter how shitty it is. I promise.
no subject
naomi turns her face into his neck and holds on for a good long while, because there's relief and there's terror but she at least has this. she has raleigh, and he is the rock she can hold on to.
when she pulls back, she wipes furiously at her cheeks. ] I can't remember a thing about those three weeks. [ she exhales, hoping that the waterworks have finally stopped, but her eyes well up and it starts all over again. ] And I know something is wrong, even if the doctors said that I was okay. [ she looks to him then, because he'd been there, hadn't left her alone, had actually skirted the promise she'd asked of him in the ambulance and made sure that the doctors checked yancy at the same time as they checked her. ]
But I don't remember anything, Rals. And now I'm sleep-walking and waking up places I shouldn't be and it scares the shit out of me.